i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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