The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
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