My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
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