My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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