I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
