My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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