I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
