the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
