I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
