All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
