oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
