There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
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