I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
