She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
