1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
