A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
