I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
