you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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