Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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