She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
