whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
