I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
They have beer where we have blood.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
is that a dick in a sweater?
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
