I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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