Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
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