I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Randomize
