Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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