It's Friday. Sex?
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
