I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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