My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
