we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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