And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Randomize
