Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
I'm eating all of the evidence.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
