I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
