she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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