I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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