he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
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