rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
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