Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Randomize
