He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
