I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
