I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
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