dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
