btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
You've changed since you got that strap on
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Randomize
