Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Randomize
