I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
