The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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