come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Of course I have a pirate flag
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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