Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
