They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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