Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Randomize
