Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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