I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
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