I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
The struggles of a small town man whore
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
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