Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
