At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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