rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
